Never Let Me Go
by thesunshinej
Summary: Reality hits hard when Alex finds out her work as an importer touched Piper in a way she had never even thought about
1. Introduction: The Letter

Never Let Me Go

An Orange is the New Black Fanfiction

By The Sunshine J

_Introduction_

My Alex,

I get it. You hate me for leaving you in Paris. For not being there when your mom died. And now you're mad at me for having your parole officer called. I've been trying to speak to you since your return to Litchfield but you're giving me the cold shoulder, and honestly, that's not fair. You've spoke, no, yelled at me once on your first day back and haven't said anything since. Well, fuck you. I've spent the last decade feeling guilty for leaving you when you needed me; for not being a friend. But I couldn't do be around your work anymore. I know you loved me, but you didn't love me enough to notice what your job and the people you worked for were doing to me. I've spent the last ten years floating between guilt and heartbreak. You think the only reason I left is because you asked me to go to Istanbul knowing how I felt after Brussels. I want to be mad that you did what Kubra asked you to do. But I can't be, not really. You didn't know that two days before you asked me, he did too. At least, you were nice about it. I can, however, be hurt. You, who claims to read me so well, couldn't see that I was in pain. I was dying inside and you weren't breathing for me, fighting for me. And without even knowing, you chose his side and tried to make do the work I told him I wouldn't do. I have so much I want to tell you. Maybe I'm too late with my honest explanation but I think, now is the right time. So yes, I had you brought back to prison. Despite what I said that day you came back, it was not to get even with you. I know how cruel Kubra can be when you're not doing what he wants. How vile he can be when you 'betray' him. I couldn't let you run knowing the monster who would be there to catch you and claim you. Alex, I love you and have always loved you. I never stopped. I've never let you go. Please give me a chance to explain. Please, never let me go.

Love Always,

Your Piper

**A/N:** I also have this posted on Archive of Our Own under the same pen (TheSunshine_J) I will try to update both at the same time but it might be updated faster on Archive of Our Own so check there too :) There's also some really awesome Orange is the New Black stories that are posted there and not on however, this site has more entries. Anyway, this story is based off of the song 'Never Let Me Go' by We Came As Romans and in some portions of the story I will make reference to Lana Del Rey's 'Never Let Me Go' song as well. Please enjoy and I would love to know what you think so send me a review too! :)

Reviews for my hear, criticism for my mind.

The Sunshine J


	2. Chapter 1: Going Dark Part One

Chapter 1: Going Dark (Part One)

Piper was hiding. She had left the letter on Alex's bed last week and had been avoiding the tall brunette ever since. Maybe it was a little childish but given the circumstance she felt as though she deserved to be cut some slack. She had, after one year of self- destructive behavior, managed to suppress the pain that tainted her last few months with Alex and the drug cartel. Writing the letter that would open all that up again was hard enough. Dark thoughts began to cloud Piper's mind and backing out of explaining was beginning to sound like the better idea. Currently, she was hiding in the chapel. Maybe, though, she should have hid better because sitting in the pews is where Alex found her. _'No backing out now'_ she thought sadly, taking in a large breath of air as her ex-girlfriend sat next to her wearing the same cold expression she'd been wearing over the past two months.

"Do I have to ask for the explanation or are you going to offer it up?" Alex questioned, her voice dripping with her signature snarky-ness. She looked straight ahead in a clear refusal to look at Piper. If she didn't look then she wouldn't be subject to the blue eyes that always seemed to reel her in.

Piper let out the breath she'd been holding in, shaking her head as if to clear the fog that Alex's presence usually encased her in. "Can you not be such a bitch right now? I have spent a really long time bottling away what I am about to tell you and it would be nice if you could at least act like you give a shit." She finally responded, her voice blank of any emotion.

Alex looked at Piper and for the first time since she returned saw her. She had never heard the blonde sound so empty and she wondered if this was how she had sounded when she left in Paris or if after nearly a decade of playing make believe had drained her. "Okay." She responded, looking away from Piper, choosing instead to look at the front wall.

"I think that you and I remember Paris differently," Piper began, "as if we were together but there was a very thin clear barrier separating us. You think of Paris and you remember your mother dying and me leaving you to deal with it alone. I remember nothing but pain. I remember feeling as if I was detached from myself, from life. The only thing holding me down was you never making me do anything I didn't want to do. I could make my own decisions, I could say no and you wouldn't press harder. But then you asked me to go to Istanbul and I said I wouldn't do that again. You were so mad at me, like I was _supposed_ to say yes. Suddenly, there was nothing holding me down. I was suffocating, there was nothing left of me or for me. Do you know what it's like to lose yourself? I said no, Alex. I said no and it was as if I hadn't said anything at all!" Piper nearly shouted the last part, her hands balled into fist and her nails digging into her palm.

Alex didn't know what to say, part of her wanted to be mad. She wanted to be infuriated, how could she make it about the Istanbul drop? How many times would she have to apologize for that? Her mother _died_ and Piper just left her to deal with it. But another part of her felt like it wasn't Istanbul at all. She allowed the anger over her version of the Paris incident fade away and Piper's words to fill her mind. It wasn't about Istanbul at all, it was about _her_. "Piper, what happened in Paris?" she allowed herself to ask, her hands gripping on the seat beneath as if to keep herself grounded.

Piper looked up to the ceiling as if to pray, but really, it was to keep the tears in. "The last two months we were together Kubra had you running around like a chicken with their head cut off. He was increasing your workload which meant you were spending less time with me. While you were gone he would come to the hotel room and..." Piper paused and looked down at her hands which were now clasped in Alex's. She could tell that her hands must have been shaking; it was almost like she could still feel the vibrations. She took a deep breath and finished, "He would come to the hotel room and at first we would just talk. Mostly about different countries and where I'd like to go to next. Sometimes he would tell me stories about mules or other importers. I think he was trying to scare me away but it wasn't working. I told you about the times he would visit, remember?" She stopped to look at Alex, seeking an answer but also feeling like she would be sick if she got one.

The brunette nodded her head but didn't vocalize an answer. She had forgotten about Paris, only remembering the phone call she received about her mother dying and Piper leaving her. Alex's stomach twisted as she realized that Piper was right, they did remember two different Paris'. As Piper talked though, she did begin to remember having to leave her alone sometimes. She also remembered Piper telling her about spending her days eating out. She vaguely remembers her mentioning spending some time with Kubra. She recalls thinking nothing of it because Kubra did like to check in personally sometimes.

Piper squeezed Alex's hands not for comfort but to see if they were still there. Whenever her mind went to dark places, her body would be numb to touches and she could feel her mind going there. "Then it started to get weird, he would hold my hand too long or rub me in a certain type of way. I started going out more to avoid him at that point. One day I realized I was being followed and before I could lose them I was caught and blindfolded. When the bag was removed from my head I knew immediately where I was. I was tied at the wrists and ankles to Kubra's bed. He was there, sitting on top of me and I had never seen him look as frightening as he looked then. He told me to keep my mouth shut and that I was to do as he said. If I didn't he would kill you and let me go just to find me again and kill me later. It was if he was telling me in the same sentence that running wouldn't do anything for me or you because he would just find us anyway. Then he started taking my clothes off and touching me everywhere. I tried to fight but he was stronger and I was tied up. He raped me, over and over again and when he was done he said…'You belong to me now'. He left me to get dressed with one of his guards and he took me back to our hotel as if nothing had happened. I stayed in the shower for hours trying to scrub him off of me."

For a moment it was silent and Piper began to wonder if Alex believed her. Then she felt the tears on her hand and realized that Alex had cupped her hands and brought them to her lips. "Pipes," Alex gasped, "Why-how. You didn't say anything. Fuck." Alex choked up, not being able to find the words that should be said in a situation like this. How had she not noticed?

Piper snatched her hands away, the anger that she had been trying put away rising up. She snapped, "I shouldn't have had to! Why couldn't you just see, Alex? He made me so afraid to say anything, afraid to go out where he could just snatch me up like the first time. But in the end, it didn't matter. He could just come to the hotel room door and get me whenever he felt like it. You saw me every night and you didn't…I'm sorry, Alex. I never really dealt with what happened to me. You didn't get a chance to really grieve for your mom because you had to deal with me leaving you. And I never got a chance to grieve for the pieces of me that I lost because my heart never wanted to leave you. It's all really just fucked up."

The two of them just sat there no longer touching or even talking. Piper stared emptily into the air around them while Alex studied the back of the bench in front of her as if there were some kind of map on it that could help her deal with this side of Piper she'd never seen. "Why are you telling me now?" she finally asked, she had many more questions she wanted answers for but she wasn't ready to know what those answers were.

Piper looked at Alex and for the first time she saw the vulnerability that the brunette had tried so hard to keep her from seeing. "Because in order to understand why I had Polly call your parole officer you had to know what happened to me in Paris. He's not just a money hungry drug lord, he's a monster. You threatened him and his livelihood by telling the truth. I didn't lie on the stand because you asked me to but because the more I thought about it the more I realized we would be safer if we lied. If you ran he would find you, every single time and one of those times would have been the end for you. I'm still struggling with the part of me that hates you for working with him and the part of me that knows you didn't know what was happening and even if you did there wasn't anything you could do about it. But I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if I let you run out there knowing what he could do to you." Piper explained softly, taking Alex's hands back in hers.

Alex looked away but her body moved closer to Piper's. They folded into each other as if Alex hadn't been ignoring Piper for the last two months; as Piper didn't subconsciously still resent Alex for Paris despite the brief amount of time they were back together between Thanksgiving and Christmas. "Can, can we just stay like this, Al?" Piper asked quietly. She felt drained and done with talking. But being in Alex's arms is where she is meant to be. She finds herself wondering if maybe she didn't fully heal after Paris is because Alex wasn't there to heal with her.

Alex squeezed Piper to her in response to her request. And like many of times before, they just sat in silence. Both knew that there was more that they needed to talk about and Alex felt as though there was something else Piper was keeping from her. But, for now, they just needed to hold each other. They needed to fix the rift that had torn between them so that neither would get angry at each other every time they tried to talk. In this moment Alex knew, she would never let her go again.

**A/N:** I split this up because I think it would be too long and also, because it comes off better in segments. This is the first, obviously, and there will be three more. In part two, we get to see how dark Piper's mind really is and in part three we see why it took Alex a week to go to Piper- I imagine that in a prison there isn't a lot of places Piper can really hide from Alex- and we see how Alex deals with what Piper told her. 'Go Dark' by Cassie Steele is a good song to listen though it is better set to part two, it sets the mood. Part two should be up next week. Until then have a great weekend!


	3. Chapter 2: Go Dark

Chapter 2: Go Dark

A/N: The is the second part to the Going Dark segment.  
Please enjoy and listen to Cassie Steele's 'Go Dark' *SERIOUS CONTENT* This chapter, I think, is a little bit more stronger than the others. there is some mature content that I think only few can handle. I don't want to change the rating of the story because I don't want the whole story to be overshadowed by it. Nevertheless, read on...

Chapter 2: Go Dark

Piper stared at the lamp blankly, the screwdriver hanging limply in her right hand. What ever she had learned about fixing lamps has completely left her mind. She and Alex had left the chapel together but had parted ways to head to their work stations. She tried to push aside the emotions that had resurfaced after her talk with Alex but it was proving to be difficult. She was beginning to see the irony between the broken lamp and the state her mind.

"Chapman, you alright? Been starin' at that lamp for ten minutes!" Nichols commented, her wild hair hanging in its usual slight curl. She'd been watching the blonde since she walked into the electrical shack. She hadn't been around to see them but she had heard the rumors about Alex and Piper leaving the chapel together, their hands intertwined until slowly, they weren't. She thought maybe they had gotten back together but the empty look in Chapman's eyes says otherwise. "I heard about you and Vause in the chapel, but the look on your face don't look like you came sevens ways to Sunday if you know what I mean." she laughed, nudging Piper in her left arm from her position across the table.

Piper blinked several times before comprehending that Nichols was speaking to her. "If you're worried about me taking your place as her new fuck buddy then you can stop. That's why you're speaking to me right? Because if I recall you were also on the 'lets ignore Chapman' bus too. Don't act like you're my friend, fuck her if you want. I'm no good to her or anyone else anyway." She dropped the screwdriver onto the table and stood preparing to leave. She was turned and poised to run when Luscheck stopped her.

"Sit your ass down Chapman unless you want a shot. Take one step out that door and I'll have you in the SHU so fast you get whiplash." Luscheck ordered, his right forefinger pointed at her while his left hand held the Walkman on his belt ready to call another CO for escort. He stayed in that position until Piper sat back down and began to fiddle with the lamp she'd been given to fix. He gave her the 'eyes on you' hand gesture before going back to his post at the tool cage.

Nichols looked at Chapman with her eyebrows raised wondering where the blonde got the idea that she was playing tonsil hockey with Alex's snatch. Sure she had fingered her but that was once and immediately after Alex had been bitching about Piper as if she hadn't just cum all over her fingers. "I think you got the wrong idea blondie. What's got your panties in a twist?" she questioned, genuinely concerned for Piper's mental health. It was clear as day that the blonde, the glass half full kind of person, was going through something rough.

"I really just want to get through the day without having to talk, or think. Unless you've got some ideas on how I can do that then please stop talking to me." Piper whispered, not trusting herself to keep her voice at a normal volume. She needed peace and quiet to compartmentalize what she had long ago packed away in a storage unit tucked away in the cobwebs of her mind. The idea of be putting away in SHU was beginning to sound like a good idea. Shaking her head of that thought, Piper went back to tinkering with the lamp.

Nichols could see the wheels turning in Piper's head and decided that maybe it was a good idea to leave the blonde to her thoughts. Didn't mean she wasn't going to grill Vause the first chance she gets. Something was going on between those two and she has a feeling it has something to do with that note that Chapman had left on Vause's bed.

Piper sat Indian style in the middle of her bed, her back against the wall. It was dinner time which meant everyone was in the canteen. She should have gone with her, then maybe she wouldn't have been blindsided by the memory of Kubra's breath on her neck and his hands squeezing her breasts to the point of unbearable pain.

*flashback*

Young Piper lay face down in Kubra's bed with her wrist to the bed posts. "Please, stop. I-I can't leave her but I swear I won't keep her from working anymore. Please!" Piper cried, pulling away from the weight of Kubra on her back as much as she could with her wrists and ankles tied. She could feel the hairs of his chest on her bare back. Even worse, she could feel the hairs of his pelvis on her lower back as he pounded into her as if she were boneless and muscle-less. She thought he would have been finished with her after the first time he had forced himself on her, but now was the third time in less than a week and she didn't know how much more she can take. She stayed because she loved Alex more than her sanity, more than her own body and she knew that if she left Alex's life would be in danger.

Kubra grunted as he pumped in and out of forcefully, "Oh you silly rich girl. I know you won't." he slammed into her again as if to reinforce his statement. "I've wanted you since the moment I laid eyes on your sweet ass." he laughed, slapping her butt with his right hand and grinning at the red that began to appear in the wake of his hit. The way her body wriggled underneath him as if she still had a chance gave him a rush similar to the heroin he had imported to countries all over the world. "Don't forget, Piper Chapman, you belong to me and no one else. Not even your precious Alex."

In that moment, Piper gave up. The fight in her body left and the last bit of hope that a piece of her could survive his torture left her eyes. She didn't even know who she was anymore, in this moment she didn't even feel human. She felt like a thing, an inanimate object made to be someone else's plaything. She began to do what she did best, put everything away including the parts of her that were left so that when let her go she could return to Alex at least a fragment of herself.

*end flashback*

When Piper snapped back to the present she found that she had moved from being on top of the bed to under the bed pressed so far into the wall she could feel the imprint of the bricks on her back. Her lungs heaved for air that she couldn't seem to find and she was seeing black spots. She was having a panic attack. She crawled out and grabbed stood to her feet still gasping for air. Looking around, she noticed that the dorm was still relatively empty which meant she still had a few minutes before the other inmates came back from dinner for showers.

She gave herself a minute to get herself together enough so that no one would question her. Once she could see better she made her way out of the dorms and in search of the D-block bathrooms that were still down for repairs. She passed through the hallways with her head down and her hair in her face, an attempt to appear invisible. Piper made it to the empty bathroom without being stopped by CO's or bothered by other inmates. She slipped into the bathroom and noticed that all of the repairs were finished.

Piper went to the stall furthest away from the door and checked to see if the water worked. After seeing that it did she stripped of the prison issued uniform and left it on the sink counter. She stared at herself in the mirror and though the scars of Kubra's abuse weren't visible she could see his name burned across her body like a branding. Piper turned away from the mirror and stepped into the shower. She turned the knob as far to the hot side as it would go and laughed. In prison there were only two temperatures, really cold and lukewarm. The water remained freezing but in the end, she didn't mind. She would stand underneath sprays of the showerhead until her body went numb, until she could barely see or feel Kubra on her body. Until.

She didn't know how much time had past but she could feel her muscles freezing up. She sink to the floor of the shower stall and drew up knees to her chest and rested her chin on her knees. Suddenly, she started sobbing so hard her shoulders shook. She cried for the person she used to be, for the thing she's become. She cries for Alex and her obliviousness to what had happened to her. She cries for the truth she has to keep from Alex. She can't tell Alex it happened more than once or that Kubra had threatened her life if Piper told her about it. She just cried.

Because like Kubra said, he owns her. Piper is no longer a person or even human. She is a thing. She is used and no good for anyone.

Comments and criticism welcome :) Part three coming soon. As I said before, we'll get to see how Alex is dealing with what happened to Piper. Also, Alex is very smart and she might just have an inkling that there is more to the story Piper told her. There's also more to what Piper has revealed to us. Only time will tell. Enjoy!


End file.
